1971 Revisited

Diary Excerpts:

January 9: Thayer comes over to take us to auction in Seabrook, NH. Greg & Warren and Carol and Madeleine and Dave & I got a community of the 3rd floor. Neato auction - we got $4 worth of costumes - a BARGAIN! I've passed the cycle of hating auctions and clothes and loving communism. What good did I do then? What good do radicals do? I dunno. Bourgeoise adopting of one kid does more from the kid's point of view than revolution.

January 17: "Howard Zinn vs. Ray Mungo" [They] are having a battle of wits inside my head. Ray says: any military is bad - leave the scene in the city - the blacks don't want you for help - don't do anything out of need that breaks your ethics - go to a farm. Zinn says also military is bad but DON'T GO TO A FARM - stay and help where there is trouble. Third world militants don't want you to remain a smug, middle class white; they don't want you to try to help them smugly and return to their good life at night; they don't want you to join them and pretend to be one of them. They are composites of opinion but I can serve those that ask - children don't care. If they already have shitty teachers, I might be a bit better [reparing to teach music in schools as a senior at BU].

January 25: Weathermen said they were sorry about da bombs and it was bad tactic. Now only the Panthers can look down their noses in this country. When with radicals, I do what the radicals do, and when with music ed straights, I do what music ed straights do. Am I strong? I dunno. Mary at work is incredibly ugly and dumb and lives at home. She cannot justify her life except to be in a book plot.

March 6: Went to Women's Day at Common and marched with the rads - so many thoughts and conclusions - esp. communism and slogans aren't were it's at. Def. needs aesthetic dimension. We "seized" a building (walked in) & I left. I guess they stayed. I didn't feel close enough to anyone to stay. I'm a coward. Home at 4 & nervously passed away time till bedtime. Can't live with D. or without him.


March 7: Women still occupying building. I deserted my sisters but it is a pretty dumb move. They'll get kicked out. Also none of them have to go to job or school, I'm a terrible radical. I am so free I can do anything & choose nothing. Ate too much cookies too.

June 9: [Visiting Woodstock for the summer] Rained last night & air clear & light & cool w/ mountain & streams. My room as W's golden record for "Na Na Hey Hey" & a huge comix shelf. Allus something to read, watch, knit or play (or bake or hoe or eat). S. had to learn to relax and do nothin' & I'm gettin there No luck at Oatmeal Stream [for a job] mebbee in 1 week, Went to Family and will do shift on Monday. Hotline, general Woodstock service center. Nice people - guessed my sign. I'm young in comparison and light soft (drugs).

June 10: S. says I should've said yes to the old ex-puppeteer who thought I had a spiritual face and wanted me to stay with him. Wrote to D. with the rent deposit - $40 his share. She kept $60 but we wrecked the couch and wall enough for that.

June 12: Nyoos: D.'s draft evading and may stay in Nova Iorke. [My] parents have no money. Eating too well these days with peanut butter sundaes every day.

June 22: Good noots! (My own noots are giving me a headache). Got jb w mo pa ($1.50/hr) typing for Woodstock Aquarian. Hot dog Money and new people. What shall I wear? What shall I say? What is my philosophy of life? What do I think about drugs? Good situation to shove myself into - I will have to answer for myself. The hammock guy is selling my stuff - gave me $3 & wants mo' purses so I goes to Kingston to get more string.

June 24: It's turribal the way I fit in nowhere. With SFA musicians I feel they're too straight, w/ woodstock hippies I feel they're too hippy-dippy & with politicos I feel intellectual and artistic. How stupid, huh?

June 29: Sore troat. Urg. Where do I get off karmically deserving such a summer? Had good day with A., boss at Aquarian. Can't help but identify with Magister Ludi introduction which states that in Siddhartha & Demian Hesse was not yet evolved to social consciousness, i.e., New Paltz revolutionary consciousness is better than Woodstock but I can't tell A that. I feel like I will never again be hassled by anything even though I know I will. W is printing up a copy of "Stay on the Farm" for the Aquarian.

July 6: S. keeps referring to my obesity and stupidity & losing her temper over everything but other than that, she's the best friend a girl could have. But it makes me ill to watch the women scramble around all over their men & smooch. Probably I'm just jealous. I'll work and cook & bake and recycle envelopes & be happy till I'm 30 at which time I'll be famous & rich but still politically conscious.

July 7: Ate too much s'getti & beebleberry pie. Oh to get back to 150 and then 140 & then 130, my ever goal, I could do it I guess - just at less when I'm ravished [famished] and less of starch & sweet. But why am I allus talking about diet? As if this mortal coil is worth much. Heh heh, my mortal coil is a bit much. A. liked my paraphrasing of Land & How to Shit Good article and said if the paper makes good I'll have a permanent job.

July 12: Sometimes I get a strange feeling that things are going to turn out so well - I will sing and play or something for people & become together enough to talk and say what I think. Erstwise I will get killed at an early age but that would be a drag. New lady has joined the band [Organ Grinders back]. What kind of person would be so loose & free to pick up with gypsies?

July 15: Mail from VISTA & teacher drop out [center]. I could teach if I just picked one song or one show to do & did it instead of wondering which ones to do and making a big deal out of it. They sold my purse for $5 only so I made 3 to pay the doc with. Took over 7 - 10 shift at Family.

July 16: Got my period I was actually a bit scared. My mention of the Sigmund Freud movie in the hotel room [sound engineer with Buddy Guy at BU, Howard Johnson's in Kendall Square] with Warren set off some strange energies. Of course S. isn't jealous; W. turned red. We're so amazingly immature and staid. Hysterical naked lady was brought into Family while we were at the free store. Everyone watched and a little girl said she didn't like all the yelling. S. goes about drinking sage tea to quell her desires. I keep wishing B would come back, I should renew pills. Of course if B cared at all he'd have been back already. [I had made out with and played with--literally--a member of a traveling band called the Organ Grinders, who had crashed with us in June.]

September 4: Discovery of $180 4BR apartment two doors down from J. Fantastic rooms but full of junk & a neighborhood hangout for kiddies and drunks. Man from real estate end of the phone: "You can't find any 4 BR apartments! You can't live in a coop! You can't live in a group! It's illegal without a boardinghouse license." Turd. To Durgin Park with J & N & J & J & B & E at 11p.,. Don't think I'd like to live with J & N - he's too cool and into dope more than us. I still not into smoking & feel out of it but be social and take 1 or 2 tokes.

September 6: Prof. B. hates pants on girls as he saw me entering my office with a frown [got a job at BU as a biology department secretary]. Here is nice homey atmosphere of wooden floors, Cambridge slums, etc. Hub visits & takes us to New Community Projects meeting - met Newlywed Game couple & no one else much. Hub is funny; can't figure if he's cool or no, Got his handwriting analyzed & discussed orgies with us ex-participants.

September 23: Oh, getting ripped off, etc. Poor K., half of her clothes were taken by a thief who no doubt wore a black mask and was fat & bald and had a red and white striped T-shirt on. I hope we get along with them [couple sharing apartment with D. and me]. K. talks incessantly & says negroes are afraid of large dogs & she didn't really mind getting raped. I must be completely blank personality to her because I never show true colors when I'm so far away from another's thought.

October 2: What to do when some jock calls you a pig hippie & kicks garbage all over you? B. yells Yay B.! Blue kitchen is class. Lock on door, shower curtain up, all's well & spent $10.

October 17: Day of rip-off discovery leading to political discussion with Marxist Marcia & Anarchist J. & Pacifist K. & Idealistic D. Get to know your roommates. K. does drink the wine a lot but big deal. Just makes her a bit verbose. J's comin' through better; "I'm searchin' for that urchin" [his song about the rip-off]. If there were 48 days in a month, a calendar would look like the United States of America.

October 19: L. said there was a job in music therapy at Newton part time. USE MY DEGREE! Be creative! Help people! But J. begged me to stay ween tho' everyone else says take it. Ate fruit all day only but ate huge dinner of Cambridge Community High School people. I'll teach piano if the kid calls e. Gonna go to Yoga Thurs. Nite & Astrology on Mon. Nite. Lots of good folks here. Talk w/ N. over accepting both pacifism & violent revolution at same time. Ho hassle for me--I don't take either seriously.

October 21: Told G. [boss] that I didn't earn my brains - was born into the right economic class, etc. I eat compulsively and have gained 10 lb. Urg.

October 27: All the rads took their titles off their doors & left only first names--they're too much. They must have some ego that they hide. Cool people are alone cause they are picky (me and J.)

October 31: I ain't no sexist pig but D. is totally hopeless. Skips last 2 possible sleeping together nights & plans to go to PL meeting in NYC with his little buddies from the band. I have a right to feel the way I do (outcast, unloved, and unsatisfied!) Understanding talk won't help. Seriously, I think it would be good to get away from this kid altogether. (I cry.) I've learned at least not to repress these things; rode to SFAA with arguments & we had a big scene in the glass booth. Wiz of Oz play fantastic (people think I'm beautiful when a witch) & got real high during & real down after play. Dave stayed over.

November 11: Angela Davis committee. Hoo hoo, I get to go & be big keed. Is this all I'm doing for politics? Soon I will be so sick that I will get into NDAG, etc. Really want a women's group. Yeah - gotta visit a center & get ego up so I can say what I think around all J's MCP friends and persuade all the women to leave their awful asshole men wards. Black keeds trying to "donate" to the yoga can of money. No shame in saying blacks steal around here. They need it the most, They are they too.

November 13: Diet remains unbroken and 8 pounds gone off. As much as smudge [the cat, eventual mother of Mung]. Such big ugly deals going on [J the roommate turns out to be a dope dealer]. D. says they're politically cool w/ dope, it's radicalizing, but I basically think it's a waste of money to do it so much & disintegrates vibes. Went to BU circus farce (all DGE kids) & fell asleep before saying g'nite to D. Woodstock alone conditioned me.

December 1: I'm not as together as I think. Came home to a telegram saying I've been placed in Philadelphia - forgot about VISTA. Identity crisis: could I just pack up & leave all the little joys of this life & D. & astrology & Yoga, etc? I'm much too detached. Even tho I won't go it made me feel untogether to get so upset. 100 secretaries fired by BU & they want me to strike (A. does). Whoo boy. D's a schmuck cause he said he'd go to VISTA & is too busy to sleep w me Y is weird and tense. I don't know what's left.

December 29: Rindge Tech building rent control farce carnival w/ shouting hippies & cops throwing people about (women mostly) & organizing. We'll withhold I spose but I'm so scared to go against authority. Still, it would be nice to be evicted.